An overdue effort . . .

There are plenty of things I am lousy at. Yet, writing has not historically been one of them. Where in other places I may flail, I am generally able to capture my emotions and thoughts with reasonable adeptness, clarity --and ease-- as written words. Stuart’s passing has stymied me, however.

I have struggled for weeks now with contrasting feelings of wanting “to be involved” in this beautiful process of remembering –of connecting with Stuart— and a somewhat inexplicable ability to, in fact, do it. A hundred times –in my head—I have framed the piece I would like to write; a hundred times, I have been unable to compose it.

Last week, I drove home one evening and an old song was playing (Oh La La by The Faces); it made me weep hysterically thinking of Stuart. When I got home, I sat down, saddened and inspired, to get my thoughts down. Instead, I spent 2 hours scanning my Itunes, playing songs that made me think of Stuart and planning the mix CD that I would make as an homage to him. I continued to cry as I listened, but my sadness was interspersed with the occasional wry smile, knowing Stuart would have teased me gleefully for behaving like a lovelorn schoolgirl.

All that said, I want to step in now, if only to offer an initial salvo. Perhaps this is my way of beginning an embrace with each of you, while buying myself time to process the thoughts that will allow me to remember him correctly, as I’d like.

Thus, I will simply share now the email I sent to Karen when she first shared this awful news. Many of you don’t know me but I hope these brief thoughts (and my eventual “piece-to-come”) will shed more light on who I am, the very small way in which I fit into Stuart’s life, and the very large way he shaped mine.
Keith

10/27/06
Karen,

This has hit me very hard, but like Stuart I am going to remain positive and hopeful.

In the course of your life, I think there are a small handful of people who really help shape you, and define who you want to be. For me, Stuart was very much one of those people. When I met him, I was 22, just a kid, and trying to figure out who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to be in this world. Doug had been a friend and a mentor for a few years prior, and then Stuart became this person who was quiet, thoughtful, compassionate, and a family man. That year I worked for him full-time, I developed a sense of what it looks like to be a “good man,” who remains fun, youthful, a caring dad, and a loving spouse.

I will never forget one conversation, in particular with Stuart, where we talked about marriage. He was the first person who helped me to see that it is a living thing, something that requires nurturing and cultivation, and that to make it work over a lifetime, you need to tenaciously be committed to it and want to work at its success as much as you want any other kind of success in your life. It was such a learning moment for me. I had this fairy tale notion of marriage up to then: you meet someone, fall in love, and it’s like that forever. That insight from Stuart never left me, and has helped me with my relationship with Edie; it has kept us growing together over 10 years.

Anyway, I guess I just felt impelled to write this after reading your email. In my 37 years, Stuart is one of those 2 or 3 people who have served as my “benchmarks” for how, and who, I wanted to be as a person.

Edie and I will keep you very much in our thoughts.

Love,
Keith